Do you think this is a goof motivational statement for my AmeriCorps essay?

4 Answers

• The gist is fine, just some grammatical things. And be sure to to that one final proof. (Take a look at your question line goof!)

  When I was seven I told my dad when I grow up I would only pursue a career that would make me happy, even if (it yielded, or something like that) [here was] little pay. [Even though I was only seven years old that statement still reins true] (Makes no sense. You’ve already said you were 7. two, it mixes time elements. Also, “reins” isn’t the right word. Do you mean, “Now that I am 21, that still rings true.”) On [that] (a) list of career(s) that make me(,) smile serving others for the greater good is number one. (new graph) I am blessed (to be) com(e) from a family [who] (that) not only has put a roof over my head and food on the table but (has also) supported me throughout my life. Though I have [also] (delete) had my share of struggles(,) I am lucky the be this fortunate. (graph)Now it is my turn to give back to those who have shared in more heartache than I. I would be more than thrilled to serve with (just “AmeriCorps”) the AmeriCorps program because I am passionate about a career in service and all the experiences it could bring. (not sure what you mean by “and all…” I’d just end it after “in service.)

  My purpose on this earth is to be a voice for the voiceless, to lend a helping hand to those who need it the most. The most rewarding experiences in my life have all been service(-) based. [Including] (For example … otherwise it’s an incomplete sentence) the several service trips I attended to help the migrant workers of Mount Vernon, Wash., (abbreviate) and my most recent trip to New Orleans to assist in the rebuilding efforts with the Saint Bernard Project. I have learned so much from these opportunities(,) but overall they have taught me that service is my passion. Whether it is traveling down (S)outh to build houses or just offering up a smile and some spare change to the homeless(,) I am passionate about a future career in service. (Watch for incomplete sentences – that’s the third.)

  (Mahatma) Gandhi once said "to find yourself, you must lose (not “loose!”) yourself in the service of others" and that is exactly what I intend to do. [Being only] (No! You are not “only” anything! Maybe say “As a high school student,”) a high school student I am still unsure of my place in the world(, t)hough I know I want to serve others(.) I have been struggling with where to begin (and) I believe that AmeriCorps is the perfect platform for me to jump (two words) start my service career. Through my time in service(,) I hope gain new perspectives that are unique to the AmeriCorps experience.

  To serve with AmeriCorps would be a dream come true. [I am confident that through service with AmeriCorps I will not only gain the tools I need to further my but further my passion of service.] (This is strong, but it uses the word “service” three times. Maybe “I am confident that through service with AmeriCorps, I will not only gain the tools I need to further my career in service –don’t say “service career,” it sounds weird – but also further my passion to serve others.”

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  Do you think this is a goof motivational statement for my AmeriCorps essay?

  I just began writing my AmeriCorps motivational statement and I need some help with where to take it next. If anyone has any helpful tips or opinions it would be greatly appreciated!

  When I was seven I told my dad when I grow up I would only pursue a career that would make me happy, even if there...

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  I'd say well-written letter of intent. Mine certainly was no essay. Just write from the heart, I think. I'm not sure which program you're looking to, but I had to keep mine generic enough for several different positions. Highlight your interest in community service! That's what it's about.

• Yes. It is well written. Both Idea and the language use are good.