Please help me guys... Why is my husband so cold when I am sad? Like if I'm crying in the bathroom he just ignores me and stays in the other room. He doesn't console me or anything but yet he loves me. I don't get it. He told me I need to be stronger. But even so! I've been through a lot in my life more than he ever has. I can't believe it. It hurts me so much and that makes me cry even more.
Believe me, I am crying for a good reason. I can't pretend cry. And I don't do it for attention.
I've cried because I feel like a failure some times, that we had a bad fight, because I'm scared of losing anyone in my life, because I feel awful about myself because I've been abused as a child and it affects my everyday life today, because I feel trapped some times... you know what... why the hell do people need to pretend they are so strong? Doesn't true strength come from accepting your weaknesses?
Men don't understand crying. They feel helpless themselves. Instead of going off alone to cry, try telling him what is making you feel sad first. Sometimes all we want is to be held while we cry. If he knows this, then he can be there for you.
I have had the same problem at times, but I got a book called "How To Catch Him and Keep Him" by Christian Carter. It has taught me a lot.
If you truly feel your man is a good man and not doing other horrible things to you, and this is just the one thing he does so to speak, then what he is doing is pulling away from a sad, negative feeling. Men react by what you are feeling and what you are feeling is not happy, so that is not what they want and he truly doesn't know what to do with your sad emotions. He is probably sitting over there all confused and thinking he has made you this way, and feels like a failure in doing so. The best thing you could do is realize he won't change and don't ever try to be the convincer in the relationship. Try not to convince him of anything (like to come rescue you), because the more you try to convince, the more he will pull away. He sees you as not being strong actually and this may turn him off. That sounds crazy, but true. I would find any way you could (even if you have to fake it around him), to act strong, find yourself things to do, be busy and make him realize your world does not revolve around him. Do everything you can to attract him to you in a way that he finds you attractive emotionally, because the crying does not attract him unfortuantely. If you were crying because of a horrible thing that has happened, he surely should be there for you, but if you are crying over spilled milk and things that you have no control over that are much more minor, things that he thinks are small, then find your own world by being that "cool" woman you can be.
If your crying alot, that' s a problem. I assume either your marriage is in trouble, financial problems or your having issues. I suggest that you go to a counselor to find out what is causing all of the sadness. Remember that therapy does not necessarily make everything better, but it is does make the muddy waters clearer...so that you can make a clear decision.
Have you read this age old book "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus" Its worth picking up in paperback.
My wife and I almost broke up over this. She would get upset and go off and start crying. To me, it seemed like she was upset and wanted to be alone. If I was upset and retreated to the bathroom crying, or even just sulking, it would mean that I wanted to be left alone. If i wanted consolation I would have stayed near her or even move directly in front of my her. So in my case I felt that it would have been disrespectfull for me to go invade her privacy in those moments.
After a few years of this things came to a boil and in one case I went ahead and "invaded her privacy", we talked most of the night and I learned how to help her.
My point is I never would have picked up the message that when she left the room distraught, it sometimes meant she wanted me to go after her. Even now, I still don't understand that behavior, I recognize what she needs now, and I do it. But it still doesn't make sense to me.
Don't blame your husband for not being able to read your mind, he is probably trying to treat you how he would want to be treated, this is one of those differences that he will probably not figure out on his own and may never understand. You have to tell him what you need.
The comment about needing to be stronger is another one of those issues. Before when my wife was upset, I would listen to her talk about what was making her upset as if she was explaining a problem to me, and I would try to find a solution to the problem. My reponses would be "You should do ..." or "Tell your friend that .." because I was trying to help her solve her problem. What she really needed was for me to listen and just sympathize with her. Again I never would have picked that up on my own. Luckily a female friend at work let me in on that one.
It sounds like your distresses may be caused by things things so deep and "unfixable" that the only advice he can give is be stronger. You should not take that as invalidation of how you feel. He just doesn't know how to fix your problems. Let him know that you just need him to listen, and understand how you feel, and that you are not necisarily looking for advice or direction.
Just my opinion.
He's not being a gentleman. He should be there for you. Whenever I cry, my boyfriend is there in a heartbeat and that's how every guy should be. Tell him you feel like he doesn't give a crap, you're supposed to show someone you love them rather than just saying it. Sometimes men are rediculous. Make him realize you're sad. Kind of ignore him when you are. He'll come running.
This sounds mean, but it could be that you cry too much. Think of it like when a child learns how to scream for the first time. They get a reaction (usually parents are happy and want it to happen again) and they like the reaction so they do it again. After a while, the parents start to realize that the scream is loud and high pitched. They then start to not like hearing it. If you cry over every little thing, then it is old and your husband is tired of hearing it. You need to save crying for things that are really awful.
Does he know you are crying?
YOU are the one who is going into the other room when you are crying.
Maybe he assumes since you're in the other room that you want your privacy. How about sometime in conversation you ASK him why he doesn't try to console you when you are crying. Some people feel uncomfortable around others when tears are involved.
Sorry but some people like myself, don't react to tears like that. I can relate to his behavior and lack of response. I know it sounds cold, but I also rarely ever cry either, and it's not like we don't have any remorse or guilt. I think it's our personality and belief that one holds about being strong emotionally. I'm not the kind of person that you would usually feel pity for, because I don't like or allow anything to break me down. So I think this is your husband's personality. The best thing we usually do is wait till that person pulls themselves together. Who else has the power to that anyway if not YOU, and how you feel about yourself and your emotions.
He does not know how to console you. He feels that with you in that bathroom and the door shut, you are really wanting to be alone. So many men are clueless to this in women. They feel they have to be macho at all times and because of that, they are not as sensitive to our needs and most of the time, don't catch hints either. You have to tell him this is what you need. Then, he will probably do so next time.
Well, maybe he is scared?? I know when some one I love is crying, I literally become PETRIFIED! D: I end up not being able to move or say anything. I get so scared. Then I start to think " OH my god what should I do????? I dont know what to do??"
OR, he could be possibly thinking that youre crying for attention.
Next time, just come up to him. "You see me crying, why are you just sitting there?" Just ask him!!!